HYPERBOREA / Favorite jokes?

**Posted by Handy Haversack** 4/02/2014 6:37 pm

Anyone know any good jokes? Most of mine are perhaps a bit blue for a family RPG forum, but . . .

A Russian man goes to a proctologist. "Doctor," he says, "I have terrible pain in bottom!"

The doctor says, "OK, sir, well, let's have a look and see what the problem is." He engloves and begins to personally examine his patient. A couple of seconds later, he pulls a perfect long-stem red rose from the man's posterior.

"Sir!" he exclaims, "You have a rose in your bottom!"

"Doctor, is for you."

**Posted by Chainsaw** 4/04/2014 2:42 pm

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.

**Posted by Handy Haversack** 4/04/2014 3:13 pm

Ha. We also would have accepted "a fall"!

**Posted by Blackadder23** 4/05/2014 11:30 am

(It's hard to think of one that's even remotely "clean". Well, here's one that's not too risque.)

A man and woman are in bed together. Suddenly they hear the front door open. "Oh my God!" cries the woman. "It's my husband! If he finds you here, he'll kill us both. Quick, into the closet!"

The terrified man hides in the closet. After he huddles sweating for a few moments, he realizes the woman's son is in the closet with him.

"It's really dark in here," says the boy.

"Shhh!" replies the man.

"I think I'm going to scream," says the boy.

The man whispers, "If you'll be quiet, I'll give you one hundred dollars."

The boy happily takes the money and remains quiet. A while later the husband leaves and the adulterer escapes out the back door. The boy heads downtown and buys himself a new bike.

When the boy's cuckolded father returns home that evening, he asks where the boy got the money to buy a bike. The boy just shrugs and says he found it. His father beats the tar out of him for lying and demands to know where the boy got the money. The boy just shrugs again.

Grabbing the boy by one arm, the father shouts, "If you won't tell me, you'll tell the priest!" So the father drags the boy to the confessional and pushes him inside.

The boy sits in the confessional for a long moment, then finally says, "It's really dark in here."

A weary voice comes from the other side of the screen: "Don't start that again."

**Posted by Handy Haversack** 4/05/2014 11:37 am

Blackadder23 wrote:
(It's hard to think of one that's even remotely "clean". Well, here's one that's not too risque.)

I know. I realized that after posting this.

Blackadder23 wrote:
. . . "Don't start that again."

Heh.

**Posted by joseph** 4/07/2014 3:44 pm

A pirate walks into a bar with the ship's wheel shoved done the front of his pants.

Bartender says, "Hey buddy, why do you have that tiller in your breeches?"

Pirate grumbles, "Arrrrr, its driving me nuts!"

**Posted by Blackadder23** 4/08/2014 10:23 am

Ha ha ha. Okay, here's another one.

Three men all die at the same time, because they roll their SUV or their deer stand collapses or whatever. Anyway, they end up before Saint Peter. "Welcome," he tells them. "Heaven may be a little different than you expected. For example, your mode of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse. What do you have to say for yourselves?"

"I've been married for twenty years, and I've never even looked at another woman," the first man says. "I must have resisted temptation a thousand times."

"Excellent," says Saint Peter. "You get a Rolls Royce."

"I'm sorry to say I cheated once or twice," the second man says.

"That's not so good," says Saint Peter. "You get a 1974 Gremlin."

The third man looks at the ground for a moment, and then says, "Peter, I have to admit I cheated on my wife every chance I got. Three times a week I 'worked late' and was unfaithful. Every weekend I was supposedly 'out with the boys', but in reality I was seeing other women. Every trip I took, I cheated on her. I was a world class champion of adultery. What kind of vehicle do I get?"

Saint Peter sighs, thinks for a minute, and then says, "I'm sorry to hear that, my son. You get a ten speed bike."

About a week later the second and third man are driving around in the Gremlin with the bike tied to the back, and they spot the first man. He's sitting on the side of the road beside his Rolls Royce, crying his eyes out. They stop to talk to him.

"What is it?" they ask. "Did your car break down?"

"No," the first man sniffs. "But I just saw my wife go past on a skateboard."

**Posted by Chainsaw** 4/08/2014 10:46 am

Hahah! Nice one.